If you played all the slo-mo shots in 300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE at normal speed, this movie would run maybe 35 minutes. It's a short film stretched to feature length by excessive, stultifying use of speed ramping. Eeeeevvvvveeeerrrryyyyy ffffiiiiggghhhtttt iiiisssss ssssoooo ssslllooowww. But hey, if you enjoy watching CGI swords slice into men's shirtless torsos, followed by enormous geysers of fake blood erupting from said shirtless torsos, this is basically your CITIZEN KANE.

This is somehow even more mindless…

I got a lot of grief when this opened from Spider-Man fans for giving it a 2.5 star review.

I was WAY too generous.

Garfield and Stone do have legitimate chemistry. They're terrific together. AMAZING SPIDER-MAN does not make me excited for the sequel, but it does make me wish these two would star in an old school Tracy and Hepburn-style romantic comedy. That would be very interesting.

Y'know what's NOT interesting? This movie. It's ugly, sloppy, dumb, and slow,…

The movie equivalent of a gymnastic vault where the athlete leaps awkwardly into the air, performs every single trick wrong, then magically sticks the perfect landing. I was completely suckered in by the film's final act, and I mean completely. And that's despite the fact that I found most of the first two acts boring at best and groan-inducing at worst.

The Spidey stuff itself is relatively solid; if you're a Spider-Man nerd and you're happy just watching the character…

Another solid but unexceptional documentary from America's reigning (and almost unsettlingly prolific) king of solid but unexceptional documentaries. There are no bombshells here, no smoking gun that was missing from Oprah's interview, but in some ways the lingering questions and ambiguities are more interesting anyway. Now that Armstrong has itted to cheating through all seven of his Tour de victories, why continue to lie (if it is indeed a lie) about his comeback, which he claims he ran clean…

A little disappointed by this one; it's atmospheric as all get-out and extremely stylish, but not particularly scary. Where most mainstream horror movies give you a tiny bit of subtext for a ton of gore and scares, THE BABADOOK goes too far in the other direction: It seems pretty clear right from the opening scenes where the story going and what it all means, and that's pretty much exactly where it goes for the next 90 minutes. There are some…

I give Jason Bateman a certain amount of credit for using his directorial debut to break free of his Hollywood typcasting. I like Bateman a lot on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT and some of the movies he's done since, but they're all basically the same character with different names (the exasperated, down-on-his-luck decent guy). Guy Trilby from BAD WORDS is not that. He's a cruel, despicable bastard. And Bateman is good in the role, and he's a competent director as well. Plus,…

"Alfred, could you come here for a sec?"

"Yes, Master Bruce?"

"Did you let Vicki Vale in the Batcave?"

"..."

"Y'know I'm trying to maintain a secret identity here, right?"

"Yes, Master Bruce."

"Kinda hard to do that when YOU LET RANDOM WOMEN IN HERE."

"Yes, Master Bruce."

"And this was AFTER I told her we had to go out of town and YOU immediately told her we weren't going out of town! HOW DUMB DO YOU HAVE TO BE…